3 Simple Steps to Creating Peace in Your Life and Relationships

This is a little embarassing...

I'm a bit of a control freak; I like things to be arranged in neat, straight lines. For example, I like my bath towels to be folded in a certain way - once horizontally on the long edge, once vertically on the short edge, followed by two final vertical folds. This leaves me with a neat stack of rectangular towels that fit perfectly on the shelf above the bath.

After discovering this art of perfect towel folding, I gave my boyfriend a tutorial so he too could neatly stack the towels in the same way. So I was surprised to enter the bathroom one afternoon to find a pile of towels folded into big messy squares, hanging off the shelf as if they had been thrown up there from the bathroom door.

My very first reaction was frustration, and I immediately got into what I call "story-mode", where I tell myself stories in my head about a situation. In this situation, these stories were:

• He doesn't listen to me.

• He doesn't understand me.

• He doesn't think about me and my needs.

• He doesn't care enough to remember what I showed him.

After a few minutes of being pissed off, I walked myself through a simple reframing technique that helped me realise that my boyfriend's level of love and respect for me is not correlated with how he folds or doesn't fold the towels.

The truth is that he doesn't care for the neatness of the towels, so he probably doesn't realise how much it bugs me when they look messy. He's got more important things to think about than towels, so he probably forgot that I asked him to fold them in a certain way. I realised that my need for neatness is my requirement, not his, and I can't expect him to adopt it. And above all, I should be grateful that he washed and folded the towels, regardless of how he folded them.

Since this day, I've never asked him to fold the towels in a certain way and I haven't felt frustrated to find the towels folded in a messy way. I continue to fold the towels how I want them to be folded, and if I find them in any other way, I unfold them and refold them how I like them to be folded.

It's a win for me, a win for him, and a win for us as a couple!

If you're still reading I can only assume that you recognise this pattern in your own life and relationships, where, if not addressed in the moment, the stories you tell yourself about a situation have a more detrimental effect than the situation itself. As a result, you might start unnecessary arguments; give the silent treatment; distance yourself from people; spiral in your own head; become avoidant; trigger anxiety. I know this because I've done it all!

Applying the Solution

There's an extremely simple reframing technique I use when I get into "story-mode". By asking myself three vital questions I'm able to differentiate the truth from stories, which stops me from spiralling into irrational territory. They are:

1. What am I telling myself about this [situation/ person's response/ person's actions]?

2. What evidence do I have for this being true?

3. What is the truth?

Adopting this technique in your own life will no doubt reduce the number of arguments you have with your partner, and the level of frustration you feel in certain situations. Your ability to step outside of your own ego to understand that it's not all about you is not only freeing but peace provoking because you feel less like a victim in your own reality.

This won't come automatically for most people, and requires you to slow down and be present enough to catch yourself in "story-mode" so you can apply the technique. It's a process and a practice, and one that serves you greatly.

Author: Ashley Spencer, founder of a little more mindful